Health

Pensioner Sex Is Dirty And Wrong, Say Docs

DIRTY pensioners are having sex even though the thought of their naked bodies is so revolting it makes normal people sick, doctors warned last night. 

Your Baby Is Not As Pathetic As You, Say Experts

WORRIED parents are being urged not to automatically assume that their baby is as pathetic and ill-informed as they are.

NHS To Replace Homeopathy With Medicine

THE NHS is to replace homeopathy with medicine after realising that a wet tea bag applied to the buttocks will not cure cancer. 

Foreigners Told To Have Their Babies In The Sink

FOREIGN mothers who think they can just come over here and have their baby in an NHS hospital have been told to give birth in the kitchen sink.

Ministers Unveil £400 Million Plan To Shout At Fat People

BRITAIN'S fat people are to be hounded into submission through a multi-million pound strategy of shouting and community violence.

Bed Full Of Frogs 'Bad For Sleep'

FILLING your bed with frogs before you go to sleep could stop you getting a decent night's rest, new research reveals.

Everyone To Be Fitted With A Zip

EVERYONE is to be fitted with a zip as part of Gordon Brown’s plan to nationalise Britain’s kidneys.

Most Men Still Addicted To Sex With Themselves, Say Docs

THE number of men addicted to sex with themselves is just about the same as it has always been, a new study reveals. 

Traditional Light Bulbs Are A Superfood, Says PR Company

TRADITIONAL lightbulbs are a healthy and nutritious superfood rich in riboflavin and better for you than broccoli, the traditional light bulb industry revealed last night. 

Smokers More Likely To Be Eaten By Dragons

SMOKERS are nearly five times more likely to be eaten by dragons than non-smokers, a new study suggests.