Health

THE government is only trying to keep you alive so you can continue working, it has emerged.

CONSUMERS have been warned about fashionable 'bad jumpers' which contain too many layers of irony.

CIGARETTES are a health boon, according to doctors.

FASHIONABLE meat meals like pulled pork, steaks and 'barbecue' do not confer manly qualities, it has emerged.

A & E DEPARTMENTS are to offer an 'express tier' of medieval-style leech treatment.

ANYONE catching a cold can sue the person who gave it to them, according to an EU ruling.

FIZZY drinks must be drab 'own brand' versions, under new plans to cut child obesity.

BRITONS have already eaten the massive amount of sweets they ostensibly bought for trick or treaters.

WORKERS have been advised to squeeze in some fraudulent sick leave in before the end of October.

DREAMS have no hidden meanings, it has emerged.