International

THE QUEEN has confirmed that when President Trump visits the UK, she can kill him with a sword and nobody can touch her.

PEOPLE who do not appreciate the music of Bryan Adams are banned from entering the United States, Donald Trump has confirmed.

MIDDLE-AGED Britons have explained to young people that Reagan and Thatcher shared a beautiful eight-year romance that almost triggered armageddon.

PRESIDENT Trump has spent his full hour with the prime minister discussing the crucial issue of underestimated crowd sizes at his inauguration last week.

DONALD Trump has nearly worn out the large fake red button that the CIA told him would set off nuclear weapons.

THE construction of a 2,000-mile long border wall that will ensure Mexico survives the total implosion of America begins today.

JULIAN Assange is to hand himself over to US officials after watching every film that doesn't feature Adam Sandler.

DONALD Trump has started his day by idly crossing off countries on a map of the world.

THE stars-and-stripes is switching colour scheme to orange, purple and white to match President Trump’s facial colouring.

DONALD Trump has confirmed that the next four years are going to be as fucked up as his campaign.