Lifestyle

DO you think people care about your self-indulgent problems at the moment? Here are five common complaints you shouldn’t expect anyone to give a f**k about.

A CAT has expressed its love for its owner by slicing his face open with its knife-like claws, he has confirmed.

DOES your father have no recognisable hobbies or interests? These Christmas present options will elicit a grunt of grudging gratitude.

NOT got enough on your entirely self-imposed Christmas to-do list? Here’s how to make December as pointlessly exhausting as possible.

A WOMAN is unable to give the driver who delivered her weekly shopping a five-star rating because his grammar let him down.

ARE you confused by people talking about things that could either be a haircut that would never suit you or a sex position you would never be able to make work? Here is a guide.

BITTER that you dicked around at the School of Hard Knocks and have no formal qualifications? Order the University of Life’s new prospectus.

THE owner of the dog that is currently biting your ankle quite hard has clarified that her pet is, in fact, ‘really friendly’.

IN A new decade worse than any of its predecessors, we’ll inevitably soon be rosy-eyed for 9/11 and Las Ketchup. Get ready to genuinely miss these.

UNSURE how this whole parenting thing is done and looking for reassurance? These parenting manuals will each undermine your confidence in a different way.