Lifestyle

NORMAL time is measured in hours and days. But school holidays are measured in gins and cries in the toilet. Here are some half-term tips to keep the little sh*ts at bay.

A WOMAN has ruined a pleasant night out for everyone in a pub by taking the karaoke far too seriously.

A CAT treats its scratching post with the delicacy of an antiques dealer handling valuable Chinese ceramics.

'Some have even called me a pretentious twat.'

A 28-YEAR-OLD has been crowned the UK's most confident woman after asking a Boots sales assistant which aisle the lubricant is in.

A WOMAN has thanked her hairdresser, paid, tipped, walked away with a cheerful wave and the moment she was out of sight burst into tears.

A GAY man attending a friend’s hen party has had more than enough of this now, it has been confirmed. 

A MAN has started a podcast to focus on his passion for wasting other people's time.

A MAN is sure his kids will enjoy the half-million photos he took of their childhood despite it taking years to view them all.

A WOMAN is celebrating having a crap without her two young children insisting on keeping her company throughout the entire process.