Retired parents exhausted after day of completely unnecessary tasks

A MAN’S retired parents are looking forward to a rest after a punishing day of finding things to do that did not need doing.

Even foetus embarrassed by hideous 'gender reveal party'

A PARTY to reveal the gender of an unborn child is such a horrible, attention-seeking event that even the foetus in question is cringing.

The swingeing, petty rules to follow at your holiday flat

WELCOME to your holiday flat. We hope you have a wonderful stay, though I hope to make that less likely by settling these rules.

Late night trip to Tesco still oddly thrilling

GOING to a supermarket at 4am is strangely exciting and edgy even though it is just full of knackered people stacking shelves, it has been confirmed. 

The idiot's guide to changing your name

WANT to change your name? Perhaps you’re on the run or just tired of being called Leslie Smallcock? Here’s how to do it without sounding like a tw*t.

Idiots at outdoor cinema shiver through film they’ve seen before

Film fans at an outdoor cinema event insisted they had a great time shivering through a film they have all seen several times before.

The toddler's guide to being taken to a music festival

IT may feel as if your parents are trying to traumatise or actually kill you by taking you to a music festival, but they are just idiots. Here's how to avoid being mentally scarred for life.

How to pretend today's torrential rain isn't ruining your British holiday

PARTS of Britain will today get a month’s rain in a day, but how will you claim it isn’t making your British break a nightmare? Try these tips.

Couple inviting people to wedding evening do admit they're just padding

A COUPLE inviting people to only the evening bit of their wedding have revealed they just want the place to look busy.

Last remaining mouse mat expected to fetch up to 80p at Sotheby's

THE WORLD’S last remaining mouse mat will be put up for auction this week, with experts predicting a sale price of up to 80 pence.