Media

A CONTESTANT on Come Dine With Me who went to his local butchers to buy five steaks had never been inside a butcher's shop in his life, it has emerged.

GEORGE Osborne’s investment banker friend Patrick Bateman has told him saying he wants Theresa May ‘chopped up in bags in my freezer’ is a bit creepy.

THE purportedly average people in an adverts promoting ’natural beauty’ are still incredibly good looking, it has been claimed.

THE owners of the Daily Mirror have offered to buy the paranoid nightmares of Britain’s racist pensioners.

DAILY Mail editor Paul Dacre has scaled the Elizabeth Tower and is currently dangling from Big Ben, in protest at its silencing due to renovation work.

EXPERTS have agreed that Channel 4 news presenter Jon Snow shouting ‘F**k the Tories’ at Glastonbury counts as an impartial, middle-ground statement these days.

DAILY MAIL editor Paul Dacre has revealed he was once delighted by something that was not utterly vile.

THE Daily Mail will never, under any circumstances, be happy, it has been confirmed.

COUPLES get their kicks from ogling period homes with plenty of character rather than hot single people, it has emerged.

INTERNET users want to know who exactly the fuck is buying these titanium spinning tops that are advertised on every website.