Media

THE purportedly average people in an adverts promoting ’natural beauty’ are still incredibly good looking, it has been claimed.

THE owners of the Daily Mirror have offered to buy the paranoid nightmares of Britain’s racist pensioners.

DAILY Mail editor Paul Dacre has scaled the Elizabeth Tower and is currently dangling from Big Ben, in protest at its silencing due to renovation work.

EXPERTS have agreed that Channel 4 news presenter Jon Snow shouting ‘F**k the Tories’ at Glastonbury counts as an impartial, middle-ground statement these days.

DAILY MAIL editor Paul Dacre has revealed he was once delighted by something that was not utterly vile.

THE Daily Mail will never, under any circumstances, be happy, it has been confirmed.

COUPLES get their kicks from ogling period homes with plenty of character rather than hot single people, it has emerged.

INTERNET users want to know who exactly the fuck is buying these titanium spinning tops that are advertised on every website.

THERESA May has ruled out a TV debate because the voters she wants to reach have the wireless on with their cup of tea.

THE prime minister remains secure in her belief that Britain’s frothing, maniacal tabloids will always be on her side, no matter what.