Mail’s giant map of Britain to include names and addresses of all traitors

THE Daily Mail is giving every reader a free ‘giant map of Britain’ to help them hunt down local traitors.

'Basket Friends' named Utterly Generic Kitten Picture of The Year 2016

A PICTURE involving a basket has received a coveted award for uninspired kitten photography.

Kind, loving couple inexplicably read Daily Mail

A NICE older couple inexplicably read the Daily Mail, it has emerged.

Baby bullshit websites weirdly using ‘mama’ instead of ‘mum’

WEBSITES and blogs about baby bullshit are weirdly obsessed with the word ‘mama’, it has been claimed.

Knobheads object to bullshit

SOME knobheads have strongly objected to some bullshit, it has emerged.

Woman unable to decide whether to donate to Syria or the Guardian

A GUARDIAN reader is torn between giving £5 a month to send clothes to Syrian children or a similar amount to ensure she can continue to read the thoughts of Deborah Orr.

Olympic commentators using made-up words

BBC presenters commentating on Olympic events are making it all up, it has been confirmed.

Guardian site read mostly by right-wing trolls

THE Guardian website has a larger readership of argumentative right-wing arseholes than middle-class bedwetters, it has emerged.

Workers’ cafe has untouched copy of Guardian

A LOCAL cafe has a copy of today’s Guardian that will remain forever untouched by human hands.

Britain almost starting to feel pity for Kelvin McKenzie

BRITAIN is almost at the stage where it could imagine feeling pity instead of visceral loathing for Kelvin McKenzie.