Man on 'Come Dine With Me' had never been in a butcher's before in his life 

A CONTESTANT on Come Dine With Me who went to his local butchers to buy five steaks had never been inside a butcher's shop in his life, it has emerged.

Patrick Bateman tells George Osborne to tone it down a bit

GEORGE Osborne’s investment banker friend Patrick Bateman has told him saying he wants Theresa May ‘chopped up in bags in my freezer’ is a bit creepy.

Models in 'inner beauty' adverts still unreasonably fit

THE purportedly average people in an adverts promoting ’natural beauty’ are still incredibly good looking, it has been claimed.

Daily Mirror to buy the irrational fears of Britain’s elderly racists

THE owners of the Daily Mirror have offered to buy the paranoid nightmares of Britain’s racist pensioners.

Paul Dacre swinging Quasimodo-like from Big Ben

DAILY Mail editor Paul Dacre has scaled the Elizabeth Tower and is currently dangling from Big Ben, in protest at its silencing due to renovation work.

'F**k the Tories' is impartial, say experts

EXPERTS have agreed that Channel 4 news presenter Jon Snow shouting ‘F**k the Tories’ at Glastonbury counts as an impartial, middle-ground statement these days.

Dacre admits he once took delight in something that wasn’t horrible

DAILY MAIL editor Paul Dacre has revealed he was once delighted by something that was not utterly vile.

Report confirms Daily Mail won't be happy until, well, they'll just never be happy

THE Daily Mail will never, under any circumstances, be happy, it has been confirmed.

Rightmove confirmed as 'Tinder for married people'

COUPLES get their kicks from ogling period homes with plenty of character rather than hot single people, it has emerged.

Who the f**k is buying these spinning tops, say internet users

INTERNET users want to know who exactly the fuck is buying these titanium spinning tops that are advertised on every website.