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Daily Mail's tree dies within an hour

A CHRISTMAS tree in the Daily Mail newsroom has died within 45 minutes of its arrival.

Daily Mail publishes names of all 3,363 Sleaford Labour voters

THE Daily Mail has published the names of all 3,363 Sleaford Labour voters as part of its ongoing catalogue of enemies of the people.

Woman chooses coffee over safeguarding future of The Guardian

A WOMAN offered the chance to support the Guardian for 'less than the price of a weekly coffee' has chosen the coffee.

People excited about Christmas adverts told about rest of human culture

PEOPLE who cannot wait for big shops' new Christmas TV adverts have been told about books, films and art.

Mail’s giant map of Britain to include names and addresses of all traitors

THE Daily Mail is giving every reader a free ‘giant map of Britain’ to help them hunt down local traitors.

'Basket Friends' named Utterly Generic Kitten Picture of The Year 2016

A PICTURE involving a basket has received a coveted award for uninspired kitten photography.

Kind, loving couple inexplicably read Daily Mail

A NICE older couple inexplicably read the Daily Mail, it has emerged.

Baby bullshit websites weirdly using ‘mama’ instead of ‘mum’

WEBSITES and blogs about baby bullshit are weirdly obsessed with the word ‘mama’, it has been claimed.

Knobheads object to bullshit

SOME knobheads have strongly objected to some bullshit, it has emerged.

Woman unable to decide whether to donate to Syria or the Guardian

A GUARDIAN reader is torn between giving £5 a month to send clothes to Syrian children or a similar amount to ensure she can continue to read the thoughts of Deborah Orr.