Science & Technology

CHILDREN should just shut it and do as they are told for once in their fucking lives, according to the results of a major academic study.

WASTE from nuclear power is very tasty, spreads easily and makes a lovely jam for your toast in the morning, the Government said last night.

GOOGLE has confirmed plans to launch its own-brand mobile phone saying the new portable online device will, for the first time, put "porn in the palm of everyone’s hand". 

SCIENTISTS could one day develop a 'Superman' suit that will give the wearer x-ray vision, allowing him to look at women's underwear through their clothes.

THE Liberal Democrats have unveiled radical plans to reduce Britain's carbon emissions, including a new generation of cars that unleash the remarkable power of jam.

SCIENTISTS who discovered a giant nothingness in the heart of the universe last night said they had lost it again after it “just vanished into thin air”.

THE contents of every stomach on the planet can now be viewed over the internet from your home computer after the launch of the latest add-on to Google Earth – Google Gut. 

A 42 year-old man from Glasgow claims to have discovered a full-proof way to recreate an out-of-body experience for less than a tenner.

INTERNET fraudsters are missing out on huge riches because their email language skills are “so shit” they can only con the most gullible of punters, according to a damning Government report. 

ALL Scottish people are either related or went to school together, according to the vast majority of English people.