Science & Technology

QUIET, bespectacled female librarians really do go like a bloody train, it was confirmed last night.

NATO was on full alert last night after pop-shouter Bono threatened to read a 14-minute poem about Elvis on Radio Four.

SOFTWARE developers have unveiled a new search engine that is both highly accurate and a complete waste of everyone's time.

SCIENTIST working on simulated brains have developed a model which shows the primitive insight and deductive reasoning of a Rio Ferdinand, it was claimed last night.

MICROSOFT has confirmed its new Windows 7 operating system will allow users to interact with their computer by punching it in its bastarding face.

THE March quota of global catastrophe warnings has been reached with almost two weeks to go, it was confirmed last night.

APPLE has unveiled a new 4GB MP3 player which will be dominated by the voice of disc jockey Chris Moyles laughing at his own flatulence.

LEADING scientists last night rejected a new 'ethical' stem cell technique insisting it would do nothing to annoy fundamentalist Christians.

THE government is to repeal the law of gravity because quite a lot of people don't like it anymore.

SCIENTISTS have uncovered the earliest evidence of pre-historic man's attempts to persuade two women to join him in a threesome.