Science & Technology

ENTIRE cities are to be moved and species made extinct to correspond with what it says on Wikipedia, it was confirmed last night.

SENIOR police officers have been told to explain why they prevented rival gangs of West Ham and Millwall fans from beating each other to death last night.

PEOPLE across Northern England fled in panic last night claiming the 'cloud gods were shooting darts of angry fire across the sky'.

MEN were declared obsolete last night after scientists finally perfected a dildo that can remove spiders from a bathtub.

THE Codex Sinaiticus, believed to be the oldest surviving Bible, features a garish embossed cover and an endorsement from the Emperor Constantine describing it as a 'supernatural page-turner par excellence'.

SCIENTISTS are urging people not to panic when a large, shiny yellow ball appears in the skies over Britain this week.

APPLE boss Steve Jobs was last night recovering well despite being forced to accept a transplanted liver that was badly designed and with limited scope for expensive upgrades.

THE millionth word to enter the English language will simply be another term for cock, experts confirmed last night.

MOST people in the UK believe the right to toss themselves silly is as important as clean, running water, according to new research.

MICROSOFT has unveiled a hands-free controller X-box which will open-up the empty, soul-destroying tedium of video games to everyone.