Society

SEVEN months ago you were bored and horny and there were no condoms in the house and the shops were all closed. So what are you planning to call your lockdown lovechild?

CHRISTMAS will be cancelled, booking a holiday is idiocy and the calendar is blank. Convince people you’ve not given up all hope by pretending to look forward to these.

SCIENTISTS have confirmed that it is almost impossible to discern any difference between England before and after lockdown without specialist equipment.

A DICKHEAD who went to public school refers to everyone by their surname no matter how much they wish he would stop.

THE government is launching a crackdown on the minority of cyclists who bother to follow the Highway Code.

DO you like to sprinkle your conversation with contemporary phrases, but get them wrong and sound like an idiot? Here are some to avoid.

UNDER lockdown, England can only socialise by exercising with one other person outdoors – and it’s bloody freezing. These tips will help.

BRITAIN has admitted being unable to sleep since Saturday because it is tormented by the possibility that good things can happen.

A NEXT-DOOR neighbour has decided to occupy himself during the second lockdown by being a complete and utter twat.

A MAN’S accent has become so posh that it no longer sounds as if he is speaking the English language.