Society

THE inhabitants of Newcastle have reminded Northerners that they are soft Southerners who wear coats in winter and know about pesto.

A SINGLE man living alone has stepped up preparations for a no-deal Brexit by buying 24 tins of all-day breakfast and three crates of Stella. 

A FAMILY that has opted not to send Christmas cards this year is reporting no negative consequences whatsoever.

A STRANGE old man who does one day of work a year shouldn’t have the right to judge other people as naughty or nice, it has been claimed.

A 28-YEAR-OLD man would be meditating on a daily basis if only masturbation did not exist, he has confirmed.

PART-time smokers have announced plans to light the filter end and then pocket a lighter at some point this week.

A MOTHER of three has warned everyone that if they even think about buying her children slime for Christmas she will cut them with a blade.

A BABY will spend eight hours deciding how he will make bedtime a complete and utter shit show.

THE French have done some good rioting recently, but is our famous ‘English reserve’ stopping us sorting out our grievances by setting fire to cars? Read our guide to smashing shit up.

AN atheist family’s advent calendar contains nothing but reason and cold hard facts.