Society

THE government is to bring back the term ‘riff-raff’, which will be used to describe the sort of children not welcome at new grammar schools.

A MAN on a crowded train has actually bought a ticket for the bag on the seat next to him.

A DEADBEAT uncle mistakenly believes he is a cool uncle, it has emerged.

A ROW over school uniforms has delighted a wide range of idiots across the UK.

BRITONS do not need to go to a nightclub to take drugs, it has been confirmed.

A WOMAN has decided to stop trying to achieve anything after discovering she is older than Beyonce.

A MAN who keeps commenting on the darker evenings does not understand that everyone else is trying to ignore it.

A GROWN man has wowed onlookers by skateboarding down a high street and doing some sort of flip that didn’t come off.

TWO people in a relationship are convinced that they are the best couple.

A SCOTSMAN has sent a drunken text to his friend that may or may not be a passage from an Irvine Welsh novel.