Society

A CREPUSCULAR forest wherein echoes the melancholic song of the nightingale is to become the UK’s first goth sanctuary.

THE search for a missing Maltesers egg has continued through the night.

GIVING up on owning property could lead to dangerous behaviour like reading books or being interested in world events, it has been claimed.

A WRITER has invented ‘the chillaxed mega-mum’.

CHURCHES are preparing a lukewarm Easter welcome for fickle Christians who turn up twice a year.

FAST food outlets in poorer areas must become a bit fancy, it has been confirmed.

HOUSEGUESTS should be greeted with the wi-fi password at maximum volume, according to new etiquette guidelines.

DOGS have confirmed that they are immune to pet food scares.

BRITAIN’s cities are to be levelled and replaced with fancy flats for privileged idiots with rich parents.

ANYONE perpetrating April Fools' Day pranks can be legally murdered before midday, experts have confirmed.