Society

BRITAIN’S train services are impossible to describe without an excrement comparison, it has emerged.

VICARS have informed wedding guests that throwing confetti on church ground means eternal damnation.

LECHEROUS builders who wolf-whistle at women must now behave similarly towards men.

ORDINARY Britons have demanded politicians stop being on the television.

BRITAIN’S economy has slowed after it realised it was living in a fantasy world.

BRITISH holidaymakers have been advised to steal a car rather than trying to rent one.

THE Guardian has condemned the middle-class gentrification of Brixton by its own readers.

A MAN who turns into the Hulk has revealed it never happens when he actually needs it.

DEVOTING your life to money-saving tips will cause you to die alone and unloved, experts have warned.

BARISTAS at Starbucks are permitted to draw erect penises on attractive customers’ cups, it has emerged.