Society

SCOTLAND has been overwhelmed by boring, self-obsessed people with something to prove.

GATWICK has doubled its staff of surly baggage-flingers.

CHILDREN have moved on from their love for pirates to a fascination with hired killers.

WORKERS are being coerced into joining complex and tedious fantasy football games.

BRITONS are expected to vote in favour of opening a box containing unspeakable evil.

A WEDGE of Stilton has returned fully intact from its fifth picnic of the summer.

HIGHWAYS operative Tom Logan is angry that he always has to use the shovel while his team stands around watching him.

STATISTICALLY illiterate Britons are being shocked and surprised by percentages that only relate to a tiny number of actual things.

HUMANS are being transported across London in crammed, sweltering underground carriages, it has been revealed.

38-YEAR-OLD Tom Logan is controlling his hair destiny by shaving his head and growing a beard.