Society

STATISTICALLY illiterate Britons are being shocked and surprised by percentages that only relate to a tiny number of actual things.

HUMANS are being transported across London in crammed, sweltering underground carriages, it has been revealed.

38-YEAR-OLD Tom Logan is controlling his hair destiny by shaving his head and growing a beard.

EVERYBODY is getting wasted on prosecco this year, supermarkets have confirmed.

81-YEAR-OLD Mary Fisher's opinion of a film is based entirely on whether it features pleasant scenery.

SEXUAL intercourse is probably the weirdest thing you will ever do, according to experts.

NO diner prefers a slab of black rock to a plate, chefs have been informed.

THE arrival of an Ocado delivery van outside a suburban home has aroused strong interest among neighbours.

DISCARDED laughing gas cylinders will be all that remains of our culture in a million years, according to experts.

NEW Irish employee Kyla Burns has surprised her colleagues by revealing there are no hidden letters in her name.