Society

THE Guardian has destroyed nauseatingly middle-class articles about garden furniture and teenagers failing to get a place at Oxford.

ANYONE who can't get a mortgage may as well kill themselves, according to a new survey.

EVERYONE assumes car alarms are just going off for no reason, it has emerged.

GETTING a degree is a complete waste of time, according to people full of regret about not going to university.

CHILDREN are an elaborate scam created by retailers and costing an average of £150,000.

THE government is to reduce youth unemployment by making pretending to be hard an actual job.

STUDENTS who fall outside the bracket of 'nubile sexy girls' may or may not have gotten good A Level results.

GOD has updated the 'near death experience' for the first time since the 70s.