Society

SMALL cakes with brightly-coloured icing will not bring boundless childish glee to your meaningless existence, it has been confirmed.

WOMEN are to pay the same for car insurance as a shit-faced monkey with a bag on its head.

FUNDAMENTALIST Christians in Derby have been forced to accept that God does not want them to be foster parents.

A MAJORITY of Britons would back far right groups if they gave up street brawling and bulldozed a mosque.

AUCTIONEERS have discovered an unpublished Enid Blyton manuscript about a group of children who spend the summer deporting gypsies.

STREET fundraisers are to be psychologically re-conditioned to reduce their self-confidence to human levels.

HUMANS are to continue to base their societies on a highly toxic substance that obviously costs far too much money.

BRITAIN's ongoing economic turmoil could leave households unable to buy whatever they fancy, according to a new report.

DOCTORS treating former Unionist leader Ian Paisley have assured him his new pacemaker is not in league with the Bishop of Rome.

BRITAIN today asked Melanie Phillips to wait a second while it settled into its favourite chair with a big bag of crisps.