Society

THE government’s freeze on alcohol duty in yesterday’s budget suggested they still, after all these years, think money is a factor in your getting shitfaced.

THE man whose job it is to make up sex statistics has decided that modern couples are having less sex.

MOST people are managing a sumptuous eight hours sleep a night despite crippling credit card debt, it has emerged.

SCHOOLS across England are to change the name of the new baccalaureate to something like 'Bat' or 'Cat'.

POLICE hope to lure undercover officer Mark Kennedy back into a police station using a steak on the end of some thread.

LONDON'S tube drivers have launched their latest strike threat, claiming they are being picked off one by one by a family of voracious cannibals living in the underground system.

MAX Mosley has launched a bid to protect people who love it when their bare bottoms are alive with delicious agony.

COUNCILS across England are to be offered incentives to collect rat-filled bags of putrefying meat and devastating viruses more often than once a fortnight.

MILLIONS of iPhone users were totally told off by their boss after their favourite toy in the whole world forgot to get them up for work.

BRUTAL Eurostar commandants last night forced a mother-of-two to make an agonising choice between her offspring.