Politics Headlines

Andy Burnham is the Northern Christ

ANDY Burnham is now the North’s Jesus and will be betrayed at a potato-pie supper before crucifixion on a bleak rainswept hill in Oldham.

'Smirk like nobody's watching': inspirational quotes from Priti Patel

TOUGH day making the hostile environment positively belligerent? Sick of leftie lawyers getting you down? These are the life mottos that I, home secretary Priti Patel, swear by.

Can everyone please focus on how we're f**king up Brexit?

YES, the pandemic is on everyone’s minds right now. But can we all stop debating tiers and lockdown and devote a moment to admiring how badly we’re f**king up Brexit?

The Brexiter's guide to pretending whatever deal Johnson gets is the exact deal you wanted

BORIS Johnson’s eventual deal with the EU is likely to be a huge disappointment to Leave voters who never knew what they wanted anyway. Tell yourself these lies:

Andy Burnham a bit worried about this red wedding invitation he's been sent

MANCHESTER mayor Andy Burnham has admitted being suspicious about a wedding invitation he has received which is unusually red.

Friendship is at the heart of everything we do, says government giving out million-pound contracts to mates

MINISTERS who gave contracts for Covid work to close associates have defended themselves by saying they were only guilty of being great friends.

The Red Wall voters' guide to electing twats

ARE you a traditional Labour voter with a grievance about immigration? Here’s how to vote in a way you’ll come to regret.

Boris making own Bond film in bid to save cinemas

BORIS Johnson is making and starring in his own James Bond film to save Britain’s cinema industry.

A stroll around Leeds with Jacob Rees-Mogg

AKIN to the brave colonials who created the blessing on the Earth that was the British Empire, the Conservatives are sallying forth to open a headquarters in Leeds.

What's happened to Boris's vim, vigour and insatiable desire to commit adultery?

WHERE is the Boris Johnson I voted for? The Boris of bounce, of exuberance, of childlike glee and crazy risks, the Boris unafraid to sow his wild oats?

Apologies, we misvoted, says Britain

THE UK has apologised for the prime minister for the momentary error it made in the polling booth last December which it will rectify as soon as possible.

The things about Britain's shit trains that won't be changing, by Grant Shapps

RAIL franchises are being scrapped, but rest assured you’ll still be getting the shitehouse train service that is every Briton’s birthright.