Politics Headlines

Johnson promises to debag the coronavirus and throw it in the river Cam

BORIS Johnson has told Britain that he and his science chums will pull the coronavirus’s trousers down and throw it off the punt dock into the river Cam.

Oh shit, I might not be Churchill after all

I HAVE always been a great admirer of Winston Churchill. I wrote a biography of him. I have considered myself his modern equivalent. I may have been wrong.

Dominic Cummings's so-crazy-they-might-just-work ways to defeat the coronavirus

HI. I’m Dominic Cummings, government advisor, professional disrupter and radical anarcho-intellectual. Here’s how I intend to defeat the coronavirus.

Boris Johnson's latest half-arsed half-measures that will do f**k-all

THE prime minister has announced the UK’s latest half-arsed half-measures to stop the coronavirus spreading without really doing anything.

Meet the government's crack anti-coronavirus team

IN a crisis it’s important to feel you can trust your leaders. But we live in Britain, so here are the chancers and idiots standing between the country and disaster.

Are you Priti Patel or Damien out of The Omen?

EVIL takes many forms, whether a child who is secretly the Antichrist or the MP for Witcham. Which are you?

The seven political disasters the Johnson baby and wedding will distract you from

BORIS Johnson’s opportune new baby and wedding have already covered up Priti Patel’s incompetence, but what else will they distract from?

In the face of a global health emergency we have a twat in charge, Britain realises

THE UK is slowly waking up to the fact that, in the face of an oncoming world catastrophe, it has chosen to put a d*ckhead in charge.

The right and wrong times to get your cock out

TORY MP James Grundy has apologised for exposing his penis in the Ram’s Head pub in Lowton in 2007, but when is the right time to whip out the chinos cobra?

James Bond's not real, and five other things MI5 can't tell Priti Patel

MI5 insiders have admitted withholding information from home secretary Priti Patel. What aren’t they telling her?

Why should my week off be ruined because there's sewage on your hall carpet?

OH NO, there’s dirty water lapping at the MDF of your flat-pack kitchen. Dear me, your dismal new-build hallway’s swimming in sh*t. Exactly why is that my problem?

Are you batsh*t enough to be a Downing Street adviser?

BORIS Johnson and his grand vizier Dominic Cummings are hiring advisers who believe in eugenics and forced contraception. Are you unhinged enough to be one?