Politics Headlines

Farage labels Queen Mother 'overweight, chain smoking gin drinker' without realising that's half the country

NIGEL Farage labelled the Queen Mother an 'overweight, chain smoking gin drinker' without realising that describes most of Britain and 95  percent of his own party.

'Marry Wales, shag Northern Ireland, kill Scotland', says Johnson

THE prime minister’s tour of the UK has convinced him that he should marry Wales, f**k Northern Ireland and kill Scotland.

The Government's No-Deal Brexit Preparations Guide and Complimentary Bodybag

DEAR householder, this leaflet outlines the various preparations that British citizens should make for a No-Deal Brexit. Page 24 unfolds into a free human remains pouch.

May to run screaming through 80 miles of wheat

THERESA May is to formally resign as prime minister then run shrieking like a banshee through 80 miles of wheat, it has emerged.

What Boris Johnson will do in his first 24 hours as prime minister

BORIS Johnson is Britain’s prime minister, and the first 24 hours of his premiership are crucial. But how will he spend them?

Iain Duncan Smith to return as Secretary of State for Creeping Up Behind You

IAIN Duncan Smith is to return to government as the Secretary of State for Creeping Up Behind You.

My idiot sons could run this country better than you, Queen tells May

THE Queen has told Theresa May that her useless do-nothing sons would be better at running Britain.

UK resigns

THE UK has handed in its resignation because it is not prepared to work under Boris Johnson as prime minister, it has confirmed.

124,000 mad pensioners seize control of Britain

AN organisation of elderly fascists known as ‘the Tory grassroots’ is to install a megalomaniac man-child as ruler of the UK.

Winner of Nigel Farage lookalike contest to be announced

THE UK is waiting to find out who has won a Nigel Farage lookalike contest and will be awarded the grand prize of Britain.

The upper-class guide to Brexit

THEY are taking their damn time about it, but Brexit is due to take place later this year. But how will it barely affect the upper classes?

How Labour's half-ars*d car-crash of a Brexit policy will fail to work: a timeline

JEREMY Corbyn yesterday announced Labour’s new cock-up of a Brexit policy that nobody will vote for. But how will it fall apart in practice?