Politics Headlines

Second wave in two weeks and action against second wave in five weeks, warns Johnson

THE prime minister has warned that a second wave of coronavirus could begin in two weeks with urgent action against it scheduled for three weeks later.

Congratulations, you have survived one year of Boris Johnson

WELL done! It seemed unlikely at times, but you have survived one year with Boris Johnson as prime minister. Let’s see what you’ve been through.

How to blame Remain voters for Brexit

ARE you a Leaver starting to think Brexit might be as bad as everyone said? Here’s how to blame Remainers for it.

Five things more oven-ready than Boris Johnson's Brexit deal

BORIS Johnson claimed to have a Brexit deal that required no more effort than a Tesco Chicken Korma for One. Turned out to be bollocks. More like these:

It'll all be over by Christmas, says confident posh f**kwit who'll build you a nice memorial

A BLITHELY ignorant aristocratic f**khead has declared that the whole thing killing everyone will all be over by Christmas so no need to worry.

The Michael Gove/Rishi Sunak guide to why you should/shouldn't wear a mask in Pret

HELLO, I’m Michael Gove and/or Rishi Sunak, and I’d like to explain why it’s vital that you do/do not wear a mask while going in Pret.

Check Change Go: six things the government's new slogan could mean if you haven't got a f**king clue

THE government has launched its latest £100m advertising campaign for an abstract concept. But what the f**k is ‘Check, Change, Go’ about?

Care homes should have been more careful of coronavirus than I f**king was, says Johnson

THE prime minister has criticised care homes for not following coronavirus prevention procedures, much like a dickhead called Boris Johnson.

Let's nuke Leicester to be sure, Cummings suggests

DOMINIC Cummings has suggested detonating a nuclear device in Leicester city centre to surgically remove coronavirus from the Midlands.

'If you imagine there is a woman beneath me, and I go up and down' explains Johnson

BORIS Johnson has demonstrated his legendary lovemaking technique to Mail readers who could not adore him more.

Embattled housing secretary pulls ultimate get-out-of-jail-free card by saying it was Cummings's idea

ROBERT Jenrick has curtailed any possible criticism for granting billionaires favours for cash by claiming Dominic Cummings said it was okay.

The roadmap to a triumphant photo-op of the prime minister pulling a pint

THE Conservatives have outlined their roadmap to the photo opportunity of Boris Johnson behind a bar pulling a pint that means this crisis is over.