'I'll Tell You What's A Hate Crime - That Outfit,' Says Straw

WEARING purple and brown together, especially with sideburns, is to be outlawed from next April, the government announced last night.

Floods, Foot And Mouth, Floods, Terrorism, Floods, Floods, Says Brown

PRIME Minister Gordon Brown hit back at his critics yesterday insisting floods, terrorism, terrorism, foot and mouth, floods.

55% Will Vote For Last Person They Saw On Television

THE last person to be seen on television making a speech has established an enormous lead in the opinion polls, according to the latest surveys.

Brown Pees Pants

THE Prime Minster Gordon Brown has peed in his pants, Downing Street announced last night.

I Will Now Memorise The Bible, Declares The Great Camerooni

IN a prodigious display of intellectual acrobatics, the likes of which is rarely seen outside the Orient, the Great Camerooni will memorise and recite the King James Bible from Genesis to Revelation.

Help Me Win Election, Brown Asks Terrified Iraqis

GORDON Brown has flown into Baghdad to enlist the terrified Iraqi population in his bid for re-election.

Just Tell Me How Much You Want, Says Osborne

THE Conservative Party is to unveil a new tax strategy based on asking voters exactly how much it's going to take.

Kevin Bacon To Teach Britain How To Dance

HOLLYWOOD superstar Kevin Bacon is to lead a dance rebellion against Gordon Brown after the Prime Minister called for a ban on rock'n'roll.

Brown Opts For Autumn Erection

PRIME Minister Gordon Brown has instructed senior aides to begin preparations for an erection on 25 October.

Sir Ming Tells Leadership Critics To Speak Up

LIB Dem leader Sir Ming Campbell has challenged his leadership critics to an open debate as long as they promise to speak loudly and clearly.