Politics

THERESA May has been told to look slightly human but not too much.

THE QUEEN'S speech will be delayed while Democratic Unionists and Tories debate whether cats help witches cast spells against Christians.

THERESA May has been spotted in a park trying to coerce a squirrel into joining a coalition.

THE Democratic Unionist Party is ready to do a deal based on a 'soft' Brexit, a guarantee on state pensions and the total rejection of evolution.

THERESA May has been pondering exactly when she changed from a competent, ambitious politician into a deranged Brexit crusader.

LABOUR has taken the west London seat of Kensington amid a high turnout by the constituency’s disgruntled former steelworkers.

THE Conservative Party has reassured Britain that the government being propped up by swivel-eyed, religious lunatics will be ‘totally fine’.  

LABOUR leader Jeremy Corbyn has congratulated himself after being beaten by a political idiot.

THE UK has ordered Theresa May to remain in position for a few weeks so it can relish her humiliation.

EVERYONE on your social media accounts agrees that it will be a Tory landslide or a shock Labour victory, depending on who you are.