Politics

THERESA May has ordered the UK electorate to vote in exact accordance with polling numbers on 18th April, the day the election was called.

A SCHEME to force the elderly to sell their homes and take away people's inheritances is oddly unpopular with voters, Tory strategists have noticed.

A MAN believes all politics is bullshit but cannot give a sensible explanation of his views, it has emerged.

JEREMY Corbyn cannot win the election because polls are always totally accurate, it has been confirmed.

THERESA May has asked Britain if her arms look like the freakish limbs of a supervillain who chokes life from her enemies, or not.

UKIP leader Paul Nuttall admitted he got names wrong in the leadership debate because he cannot tell white people apart.

THE Conservatives have reassured wealthy voters that there are loads of loopholes in their death tax and they will not lose a penny.

ANY policies that seem like a good idea to you are actually total bullshit, newspapers have confirmed.

AN exclusive look at Theresa May's campaign schedule for today, and every other day.

THE Labour party will receive a head start in the election to try and inject a bit of tension, it has emerged.