Politics

SOME idiots have paid a million quid to an arse just to hear him speak.

THE G7 meeting in Italy has rejected Boris Johnson's plan to sneak into the tuck shop late at night and make off with sweets, it has emerged.

THE English Defence League has quit campaigning and returned to its roots as a carp fishing syndicate.

ROWERS from Oxford University will get to choose the next prime minister after winning a boat race.

THE UK will celebrate independence from the EU by repealing all European laws and replacing them with unchanged, but British, ones.

THE prime minister has taken a moment to remember the last time she gave a direct answer to a question, back in 1996.

AN incredibly drunk Nick Clegg has been swearing violently at a pigeon in central London.

SCOTLAND wants independence in a way that is nationalistic rather than patriotic, according to the government.

THE entire population of the UK must spend the next two years with their government-assigned Brexit Buddy.

AS prime minister and leader of your country, I have just done something which will have consequences completely unknown to me.