Politics

GORDON Brown will remain prime minister if the Conservatives win the next election, as the party launches a new campaign to make itself completely and utterly pointless.

TORY leader David Cameron will attempt to revive his party's fortunes by telling voters he will do what they want him to do.

TONY Blair has appointed a sinister clown to stalk Gordon Brown for the next two years in a bid to drive the Prime Minister "even further round the bend".

FIRST minister Alex Salmond will today announce that Scotland is to get a part-time job and save up enough money to buy a car.

DOUGLAS Alexander, the international development secretary, is celebrating an impressive set of exam scores although he had to wait an extra day to get them after problems with a new online results system.

GORDON Brown is in regular contact with his predecessor Tony Blair through a relentless stream of angry, foul-mouthed emails.

GORDON Brown is in regular contact with his predecessor Tony Blair through a relentless stream of angry, foul-mouthed emails.

PRIME Minister Gordon Brown will today begin a cull of his personal and political enemies after being given the go-ahead by the Crown Prosecution Service.

PRIME Minister Gordon Brown will today begin a cull of his personal and political enemies after being given the go-ahead by the Crown Prosecution Service.

The Conservative Party will fight the next election promising to reintroduce the public strangling of traffic wardens and the legalisation of environmentally-friendly goat sex.