Cameron Hires Aitken As Dishonesty Coach

TORY leader David Cameron has enlisted one of the party's most senior ex-convicts in his bid to become a more effective liar.

'D'You Know What? I'm Such A F*cking Racist' Says Tory MP

CONSERVATIVE leader David Cameron is facing fresh embarrassment after a senior backbencher described himself as 'an enthusiastic and committed racialist'.

Brown Woos Voters With Incredibly Boring Idea

PRIME minister Gordon Brown has made a bold move to recapture the political agenda with a series of mind-numbingly tedious initiatives.

Brown Draws Red Line Around Sandwich

PRIME minister Gordon Brown has drawn a red line around the savoury cheese sandwich on his desk and warned the EU to back off.

Lib Dems Begin Search For Dynamic Young Loser

THE Liberal Democrats will today attempt to regain the political initiative as they begin their search for an exciting young loser to lead them into the next election.

P*ssed-Off Britain Says F*ck You Brown

BRITAINĀ  is in an absolutely foul mood and is taking it out on the Prime Minister, according to new research.

Half Of All Young Tories Are Victims Of Policy Theft, Says Charity

MORE than 50% all young Tories have had their policies stolen off them by a pair of gruff Scotsmen, research by the Howard League for Penal Reform suggests.

'I'll Tell You What's A Hate Crime - That Outfit,' Says Straw

WEARING purple and brown together, especially with sideburns, is to be outlawed from next April, the government announced last night.

Floods, Foot And Mouth, Floods, Terrorism, Floods, Floods, Says Brown

PRIME Minister Gordon Brown hit back at his critics yesterday insisting floods, terrorism, terrorism, foot and mouth, floods.

55% Will Vote For Last Person They Saw On Television

THE last person to be seen on television making a speech has established an enormous lead in the opinion polls, according to the latest surveys.