MPs To Debate Major European Zzzzzzzzzzz...

MPs will today begin the most important European debate for a generation, uniting sceptics across the political spectrum and oh who fucking cares? 

Hain Unaware He Had Been Given A Bentley

PETER Hain, the work and pensions secretary, last night insisted he was too busy to notice that he had been given a £100,000 luxury supercar.

Lib Dems Are The Party Of God-Hating Perverts, Declares Clegg

THE Liberal Democrats are the party of God-hating sexual deviants or they are nothing, new leader Nick Clegg declared last night.

Britain Says 'F*ck-You' To Brown People

BRITAIN'S immigration policy is to be based on the use of Dulux colour charts, the government announced last night.

'Buy Me A Caravan Or I'll Steal One' Brown Tells Taxpayers

GORDON Brown wants taxpayers to buy him a new caravan otherwise he will be forced to steal one, Downing Street said last night.

Beleaguered Brown Mired In 'Whatabunchoflyingbastardsgate'

GORDON Brown last night ordered a full inquiry into when he became prime minister as close allies admitted the Labour leader now carried the 'unmistakeable stench of death'.

'I'm Jesus-Flavoured' Says Blair

TONY Blair has revealed he still has weekly conversations with Jesus and talks about everything from the Middle East peace process to the fortunes of the England football team.

Brown removes Darling's eyebrow with a blowtorch

PRIME minister Gordon Brown last night rejected calls to sack Alistair Darling but did remove the chancellor's right eyebrow with a blowtorch.

EU To Ask Women When They First Sat On A Washing Machine

CITIZENS across the European Union are to be asked a series of intimate sexual questions including when they first discovered the joys of vibration.

Darling Sends 25 Million Bank Records To Nigerian Doctor

CHANCELLOR Alistair Darling has admitted sending millions of bank account details to a Nigerian doctor who contacted him earlier this week.