Britain Gathers Round Fresh Pile Of Steaming Horseshit

THE general election campaign was blown wide open last night after the delivery of a fresh batch of gently steaming horse excrement.

Northerners almost the same as people, say Tories

TODAY'S Northerner is now almost on a par with humans, the Conservatives have announced.

Brown Dangerously Close To Realising What's Wrong With Him

GORDON Brown has taken another small step towards finally realising what's wrong with him, it emerged last night.

Tories Publish First Ever Hard-Back Edition Of The Daily Mail

THE Tories will today present their vision of a Britain made-up of self-reliant people with greater control of their own lives who don't like all them Afghans coming over here and stinking up the place.

Labour Manifesto Pledges Really Confusing Thing About Schools

LABOUR unveiled its manifesto today with a bold pledge to do something really complicated and confusing with the education system.

Tories Offer NHS Chiefs £50 To Kill Cancer Patients

NHS managers who help the Tories kill cancer patients will get £50 a corpse and a full set of gourmet saucepans.

Brown Deafened By Sound Of Collapsing Argument

GORDON Brown will once again focus Labour's election campaign on national insurance after being deafened by the collapse of his own argument.

But We Hate Ourselves, Britain Tells Brown

GORDON Brown's claim to be an ordinary, middle class Briton backfired last night as millions of ordinary middle class Britons stressed just how much they hate themselves.

Brown Asks For Five More Years Of Ed Balls

GORDON Brown kicked-off the general election campaign today by seriously expecting Britain to take another five years of Ed Balls and his ghastly, unbearable face.

Good God, This Country Is Full Of Immigrants, Says Brown

GORDON Brown last night said he was amazed to discover that Britain had quite a lot of immigrants.