Politics

THE prime minister has shoved a large pair of socks into his underpants ahead of today's state visit by French president Nicolas Sarkozy.

THE secretary of state for transport has been crucified at the side of the M6 by an angry mob driven insane by the deliberate closure of the road and rail network over the Easter weekend.

ALISTAIR Darling has been described as 'the worst chancellor since the invention of numbers'. The pressure is on, but can he pull a rabbit out of his battered red hat? If so, will he then lose the rabbit? Or will the rabbit be appointed to the board of Northern Rock? And is this so-called rabbit domiciled in this country or not? Ladies and gentleman, all the way from Downing Street in London's fashionable West End,  we give you THE BUDGET!

CHANCELLOR Alistair Darling is today expected to throw a budget lifeline to Britain's hard-pressed headless horsemen.

THE Office of the Rail Regulator is to use the record £14m fine imposed on Network Rail to buy a gigantic motor yacht.

THE Metropolitan Police have assured beige members of parliament that they only bug the conversations of MPs who are either brown or 'brownish'.

DAVID Cameron will wear a pair of strap-on breasts and visit every new mother in Britain under a new Tory breastfeeding initiative. 

MPs are to be banned from paying their children £40,000 a year to live in Fulham under new Parliamentary regulations. 

FORMER cabinet minister Peter Hain has broken ranks with his Labour colleagues and backed a massive pay increase for police officers.

MPs will today begin the most important European debate for a generation, uniting sceptics across the political spectrum and oh who fucking cares?