Politics

CONSERVATIVE MPs will be forced to have at least one gay friend each and install a filthy stone age toilet in their homes under any coalition deal with the Liberal Democrats.

LIBERAL Democrat leader Nick Clegg is today wondering whether he should have sex with something that is obviously dead.

BRITAIN will today once again cast its vote guided by a series of worthless opinions with no basis in fact.

THE Labour Party has urged its vote riggers in key marginal seats to make it look as if quite a lot of fictional people have voted Liberal Democrat.

DAVID Cameron moved a step closer to Downing Street last night after Gordon Brown and Nick Clegg's ill-judged tribute to Larry Grayson.

GORDON Brown today accused the Tories of planning to scrap benefits for spiteful, racist old bitches who can freeze to death for all he cares.

LIBERAL Democrat leader Peppa Pig has insisted she could work with Labour in a hung parliament, but not under Gordon Brown.

PRIME minister Gordon Brown is to be turned into glue, it emerged last night.

SERIOUSLY, either stop this shit or kill us, Britain's electorate begged last night.