TONY Blair has appointed a sinister clown to stalk Gordon Brown for the next two years in a bid to drive the Prime Minister "even further round the bend".
FIRST minister Alex Salmond will today announce that Scotland is to get a part-time job and save up enough money to buy a car.
DOUGLAS Alexander, the international development secretary, is celebrating an impressive set of exam scores although he had to wait an extra day to get them after problems with a new online results system.
The Conservative Party will fight the next election promising to reintroduce the public strangling of traffic wardens and the legalisation of environmentally-friendly goat sex.
BORIS Johnson has kick-started his mayoral campaign by describing Londoners as 'ghastly, eel-breathed troglodytes'.