Sport Headlines

FOLLOWING defeat by Italy, the England football team now faces an ill-timed trek up Brazil's tallest mountain.

ENGLAND manager Roy Hodgson is devising new strategies based on films including Escape to Victory and Bend It Like Beckham.

THE England football team's sports psychologist Steve Peters has dislocated his cerebral cortex while celebrating the equaliser against Italy.

THE kaleidoscopic football boots worn in the World Cup are a clear sign that our civilisation is in its last days, experts have agreed.

THE England team must overcome a hostile fungus which has invaded their pitch and backs Argentina’s claim over the Falklands.

EVERYONE has decided how the World Cup is going to progress based on last night's opening game.

VETERAN football commentator John Motson has once again posted sexually explicit images of himself on social media.

THE World Cup opening ceremony has been thrown together at the last minute after Brazil admitted it forgot.

ANY English person not drinking heavily in front of a television is a traitor, the nation's supermarkets have announced.

AN Amazonian tribe who have no contact with civilization have predicted England will not make it past the first round of the World Cup.