Alcohol

PUBS in England have announced they will be using a pre-recorded playlist of classic pub noises and sound effects when they reopen.

THIRSTY souls who charge out for their first pub binge in months on Saturday will be unconscious by mid-afternoon, experts have confirmed.

IT'S not long until scenes of drunken carnage begin to unfold on 4 July. But are you properly prepared to be an obnoxious, antisocial dick on 'Super Saturday'?

TEMPTED to ignore your moral compass and visit Wetherspoons when it reopens? Come to your senses with these reminders.

BRITONS have admitted they cannot imagine why they would bother with pubs when it is so much cheaper to get shitfaced in the garden.

GETTING wankered in a building named after a king is 80 per cent of Britain’s economy, so as prime minister I need to make that happen. Here’s how to survive it:

A MAN is throwing £10 notes straight in the bin to simulate the experience of buying a pint in London.

A MAN who firmly believes opening pubs would be irresponsible and dangerous cannot stop thinking about going to one.

THE nicest person you know would punch you hard right in the face for a cold pint in a pub right now, it has been confirmed.

PEOPLE are queuing for miles for the thrill of getting wasted on a park bench, it has emerged.