Alcohol

EVERY single man on a stag night is claiming to be ready to keep partying into the early hours while secretly desperate to go to bed.

PEOPLE who go on about gin have been reminded that it should not be used a personality substitute.

DO you fancy having several drinks this evening and need an excuse even if you know it’s bollocks? Try these flimsy but effective justifications.  

LAST night was a heavy one. But are these overwhelming feelings of pain, sickness and despair you’re feeling alcohol-induced, or have you awoken in the Lancashire town of Burnley?

A CAT thought to be missing has actually just been pissing it up with his mates for the last four days.

A MAN has agreed to work this Saturday under the illusion that his boss was aware that he would be a little bit drunk.

A PUB has made the strange decision to play extremely crap music at a deafening volume despite it being loathed by everyone including the staff.

YOU popped into the pub at lunchtime ‘for one’ and now you’re feeling surprisingly shitfaced. So how can you conceal it from your colleagues? Read our guide.

YOU'RE four pints in. The highlight of your evening is behind you. But is it ever ethically defensible to say ‘Right lads, I don’t want to spend another 30 quid to feel like shit, I’m off home?’

RECENTLY a Wetherspoons refused to serve two homeless men. So how can you make sure you are not turned away from this elite drinking establishment? Read our guide.