Arts & Entertainment

NIGHTCLUBS must now reserve five per cent of their tickets for strange social misfits.

BOOKIES have announced that Daniel Craig is odds on to become the first white actor to portray John Shaft.

THE wedding of actor Danny Dyer will end with his wife being kidnapped by rival gangsters, it has been confirmed.

THE police raid on Sir Cliff Richard’s house has inspired him to write yet another mawkish dirge.

A WOMAN has turned eight years of incessant bitching about her friend's partner into a best-selling book.

TONIGHT'S Brit Awards will end all arguments about music by definitively establishing what is worth listening to.

A MEMBER of the middle class has admitted not having seen the stage version of Warhorse.

LAST night's Academy Awards featured an emotional tribute to the dire cinematic fodder that keeps the industry going.

THE UK is locked in argument about who was the first person to realise that Blur were the most loathsome band ever.

SCI-FI film franchises will continue for thousands of years after every person currently living has passed away, Hollywood has confirmed.