Arts & Entertainment

‘Piss off, you hipster git’ says Mary Berry

BRITAIN cheered last night as Mary Berry told a hipster to get the hell off her television programme.

Kate Bush to lead audience away like a pied piper

KATE Bush is to lure her audience away from London to a place from which they will never return.

Reading Festival charging £10 for bottle of throwing urine

MUSIC fans say high prices at Reading are making it impossible for them to shower acts in the traditional hail of urine.

All female characters now ludicrously hard

EVERY female character in TV and film is now exceptionally determined and hard as nails.

Big Brother line-up becomes Celebrity Big Brother line-up

THE entire line-up of housemates from the just-completed series of Big Brother last night re-entered the house for Celebrity Big Brother.

Downton Abbey to get a wormhole

A HOLE in the space-time continuum is to allow the makers of Downton Abbey to introduce product placement.

‘Underclass’ delivering value for money

THE ‘underclass’ are giving Britons a sense of superiority for only £30bn a year.

Word ‘class’ to be retired in Bacall’s honour

FOLLOWING the death of Hollywood star Lauren Bacall, the word ‘class’ is to be taken out of circulation.

The Hobbit 'ripped off Willow'

PETER Jackon's The Hobbit trilogy was based on 80s fantasy film Willow, it has been claimed.

Studio regretfully announces Ninja Turtles sequel

THE producers of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles remake have wearily confirmed that they are doing a follow-up.