Arts & Entertainment

Britney May As Well Be A Corpse Puppet, Say Fans

BRITNEY Spears kicked off her first major tour in five years with a larynx-free performance that was no better than a dancing corpse puppet, angry fans said last night.

University Challenge Contestant May Not Have Been Worthless Layabout

THE BBC has launched an inquiry after claims a member of the winning team on University Challenge may not have been a lazy, self-indulgent ponce.

Music To Stay Exactly The Same Forever

POPULAR music is to remain precisely as it is for ever and ever after Oasis were named best band at last night's NME awards.

Cameron To Double-Check Ages Of All Artists Named By Prime Minister

TORY leader David Cameron last night vowed to double-check the ages of all artists mentioned in speeches by the prime minister.

Michael Sheen To Play Red Rum

TONY Blair actor Michael Sheen is to extend his repertoire of real-life characters by playing Red Rum in a BBC mini-series.

BBC To Screen Gaza Appeal If It Includes Phone-In Scam

THE BBC has agreed to air a charity appeal for the stricken people of Gaza, as long as they can include a fraudulent phone-in contest, it emerged last night.

Stan Lee Creates First Gay Superhero Since Batman

MARVEL Comics legend Stan Lee is to unveil the world's first homosexual superhero since Batman.

BBC Hails New Doctor Who As Much Cheaper

THE BBC last night hailed new Doctor Who Matt Smith as one of the cheapest young actors of his generation.

Song Everyone Pretends To Understand Is Christmas Number One

THE incredibly moving song that everyone pretends to understand has topped the Christmas pop charts.

Sky To Broadcast In Three Dimensions Of Awfulness

SKY is to add an extra dimension of awfulness to its television output with the launch of 3D TV, it announced last night.