Arts & Entertainment

AMY Winehouse is leading the field as the star Most Likely to Choke on Their Own Vomit in this year's NME awards shortlist.

GEORGE Clooney has landed a fourth Oscar nomination for his acclaimed performance as a tormented 12th Century court jester.

JEREMY Paxman has written to the chief executive of Marks & Spencer to tell him that his balls are huge.

CONSUMERS last night promised to continue ignoring the law, despite a government pledge not to throw them in jail for copying their own CDs. 

ANDREW Lloyd-Webber is to join the cast of the Channel Four soap opera Hollyoaks as an incredibly ugly composer of terrible songs.

BNP activist Richard Barnbrook is to marry beautiful English dancer Simone Clarke  after rescuing her from the clutches of a slanty-eyed Latino half-breed devil, he said last night.

RADIO One has been ordered to take a week off after colleagues expressed concern over her increasingly erratic behaviour.

THE BBC has unveiled the spectacular line-up for what promises to be the best Billiepipermas ever.

THE number of primary schools ditching the traditional Christmas nativity in favour of key scenes from The Godfather is at an all-time high.

SIR Paul McCartney has revealed that the mysterious final track on Abbey Road was actually a cryptic reference to Yoko Ono.