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Arts & Entertainment

Pope Promises Live Witch-Burning

POPE Benedict XVI has promised his UK tour will feature the live on-stage incineration of those who consort with demons.

CNN To Replace Larry King With A Prick

CNN is to replace its veteran talk show host Larry King with some fat faced prick it dragged in off the streets.

That Whole 'Stig' Thing Got Boring About Eight Years Ago, Everyone Tells BBC

THE anonymity of the Stig was vaguely amusing for about 10 minutes in 2002, the BBC was told last night.

Jabba The Hutt Joins X Factor Judging Panel

SIX HUNDRED year-old Tatooine crime lord Jabba The Hutt is to replace Dannii Minogue on the X Factor judging panel, it has been confirmed.

BBC On Crack

BBC director general Mark Thompson has admitted that most of the licence fee money has been spent on crack cocaine.

Artistic Kelly Brook Playboy shoot inspires tasteful masturbation

MEN are responding to Kelly's Brook's artistic Playboy spread with equally creative acts of self-pollution, it emerged last night.

'Expendables' Sparks Fresh Controversy Over Child Screenwriters

THE producers of The Expendables were last night facing a legal challenge from the parents of the film's screenwriters.

Twilight Characters To Have Fumbling, Slightly Painful Attempt At Sex

THE next Twilight film will see Bella and Edward's relationship finally get physical in a massively humiliating and shame-filled way, it emerged last night.

Inception Director Implanted Idea That People Who Don't Like Inception Are Stupid

INCEPTION director Christopher Nolan was last night accused of invading people's dreams and implanting the sub-conscious perception that his new film isn't just a lot of toss.

Danny Dyer, Says Culture Secretary

THE closure of the UK Film Council is a largely Danny Dyer-based decision, the culture secretary confirmed last night