Arts & Entertainment

SIMON Cowell will last as long as the universe contains beings with television sets and money, it was confirmed yesterday.

POP music all sounds the same these days, the singer of Goodbye Candle in the Road claimed last night.

THE Radio One breakfast show is to be hosted by a six month old baby, the BBC has confirmed.

POPE Benedict XVI has congratulated porn stars infected with HIV for their principled refusal to wear condoms.

THE Man surrendered last night after glimpsing Banksy's opening credits sequence for The Simpsons.

THE new series of The Apprentice is inspiring a new generation to become grasping, money-obsessed little turds, the BBC has claimed.

MONKEY trainer Jeremy Kyle was left shaken last night after one of his creatures struck him on the head with a handful of fresh droppings.

THE BBC has warned that if Chris Moyles keeps coming to work, they may be forced to shoot him.

ITV is to refresh its Saturday night schedules with the motiveless abuse show You've Been A Shit.

THE film of the console game Resident Sewage 43: Crapocalypse is to be adapted back into a console game and then back into a film and so on until the ending of the world, it has been confirmed.