Arts & Entertainment

THE winner of this year's Mercury Music prize will be be given some money to go away and write an actual tune, it has been confirmed.

EASTENDERS is a gritty, fascinating documentary that has proven invaluable to understanding London life, Boris Johnson said last night.

THE makers of x-rated comedy film Bruno have released a re-cut version with added sexual perversity, just for British MPs.

MILLIONS of grown men and women have turned out to watch the latest film based on some childish drivel about a magic boy.

THE North's contribution to British culture is to be recognised with the installation of a 60ft bronze meat pie in Hyde Park.

TORCHWOOD creator Russell T Davies has reacted angrily to cuts in the series by threatening to turn the BBC's entire TV output into a same-sex inter-galactic love-in.

TONY Blair actor Michael Sheen is to extend his repertoire of real-life characters by playing Red Rum in a BBC mini-series. 

ACTRESS Dame Judi Dench is to host this year's BAFTA Swearathon, it has been confirmed.

THE current series of Big Brother could be the best one yet, according to the person who has been watching it.

A HAUNTED-looking man arrived from the future last night to warn mankind of Terminator sequels so incredibly bad they will make you cry inside.