Business

BOUTIQUE computer giant Apple will no longer be selling its machines to the ugly, it has been confirmed.

COSMETICS giant L'Oreal has admitted its disappointment at not being allowed to commit fraud.

THE UK economy has immediately grown by 12% after Prince Andrew agreed to leave it alone.

A PARLIAMENTARY committee may have been misled by an unctuous corporate sleaze-ball who was there for the sole reason of covering his sorry arse.

ROYAL Mail 'while you were out' notes are developing a snide undercurrent, it has emerged.

YOU know considerably more about News International than Rupert Murdoch and his son James, it has been confirmed.

CASH-STRAPPED Britons have announced plans to heat their homes by incinerating energy bosses.

REBEKAH Brooks is clearly keeping the Murdochs out of jail, it has emerged.

BRITAIN'S topless models have threatened to withdraw their thrilling tales of rump-pumpy from the News Of The World.

BRITISH businesses have been urged to hire surly, undereducated malcontents because at least they are not foreign.