Health

Britain To Make Its Own Booze From Leftover KFC And Pizza Crusts

BRITAIN has vowed to beat any alcohol price hike by distilling its own booze from junk food leftovers.

Feral Nurses To Be Culled

FERAL packs of surplus nurses are to be culled by NHS managers.

Hunt For Swine Flu Vaccine Receipt Intensifies

GOVERNMENT health officials say the receipt for 30 million useless swine flu vaccines is definitely around somewhere.

Male Sex Addicts Cured By 'Mamma Mia!'

MALE sex addicts are being cured of their impulsive desire for women by watching the smash hit musical Mamma Mia!

Masterchef Upgraded To Class B Drug

THE tedious but powerfully addictive BBC cooking series Masterchef is to be upgraded to a class B controlled substance, it emerged last night.

Chunky Children Ever So Jolly

OVERWEIGHT children are three times more likely to be jolly than their slender counterparts, according to new research.

Parliament Emitting Angry Purple Aura, Say Homeopaths

MEMBERS of Parliament who criticised homeopathy have badly knotted chakras and are emitting an unhealthy purple aura, it was claimed last night.

NHS Stands By Decision To Employ Bats

NHS officials have defended their decision to employ thousands of bats at a Scottish hospital.

Anti-Cocaine Vaccine 'Wonderfully Moreish'

A NEW vaccine designed to treat cocaine addiction also produces a pleasant, drifty feeling that you could very easily get used to, it emerged last night.

Fatties Urged To Buy Mirrors Instead Of Pies

MOST fat people are unaware they are overweight because they spend all their money on cheesy pies instead of a mirror, according to a new survey.