Health

RECREATIONAL sedative ketamine can induce the false belief of coolness in well-heeled teenagers, scientists have claimed.

HEALTH secretary Andrew Lansley has pledged that nobody should wait more than 18 weeks before their local hospital is closed.

JAGUARS are not the only cars with fully opening windows, doctors have been told.

SCOTLAND could prevent up to 40,000 deaths a year if it had another Waitrose, experts have claimed.

DOCTORS are hoping to reduce the number of patients with back complaints by forcing them to listen to hippies.

BRITAIN was today coming to terms with the possibility that Jamie Oliver is the only person currently making any sense.

LOOKING down your nose at normal people can add 10 years to your life, say researchers.

FEMALE hormone tests can now accurately predict the rate at which a man's life will fall to bits.

CHILDHOOD eating disorders may be caused by giving them plate after plate of food that is just shit, experts have claimed.

RECREATIONAL mule tranquiliser ketamine affects the mind in a similar way to programmes about Peter Andre, experts have claimed.