Health

THE government has raised its virus alert level to 'pantastic' after it was confirmed that two people in Scotland were hovering close to feeling slightly unwell.

PEOPLE across the world have been urged not to panic as experts warned that most of you would be dead by the end of this sentence.

THE National Health service is to step-up its drive to encourage home births with the introduction of more than 300 Vietnam-style delivery ponds.

AS the rate of skin cancer increases amongst young women, doctors have called for a nationwide information campaign starring creosoted glamour model Jodie Marsh.

DOCTORS in Wales are being urged to treat depression with a strong dose of the Severn Bridge.

MOST therapists claim they can help homosexuals to restrict their gayness to weekends only, according to new research.

SMOKERS who quit the habit will be rewarded with ice lollies, extra cartoons and may even be allowed to stay up after 9pm.

POPE Benedict last night claimed that placing a bible over an erect penis before intercourse is the only guaranteed way to prevent the spread of Aids.

AN NHS hospital which used untrained receptionists to treat patients still performed better than homeopathy, research shows.

BRITAIN'S chief medical officer was last night forced to deny links to the international skunk trade after calling for the price of alcohol to be doubled.