Health

THE number of cases of swine flu could catch up with the number of cases of hiccups and diarrhoea, given 10-12 years, doctors have claimed.

THE department of health last night unveiled a non-emergency alternative to 999 for the thousands of people who call in everyday to say their leg feels funny.

A LIFE of po-faced self-denial and thinking that animals are people can reduce the risk of cancer, doctors have claimed.

SWINE flu parties for children are exactly as bad as any other party filled with jam-covered little shits fucking-up your widescreen television, doctors said last night.

A MUTANT strain of gonorrhoea has laid waste to large sections of Ibiza and is threatening to invade the UK this summer, experts have warned.

FARMERS who copulate with pigs risk permanent deafness from the animals' frenzied squealing, according to latest guidelines from the Health and Safety Executive.

AS new research revealed that eating soup could help with weight loss, greedy, fat people across Britain have set about devouring shitloads of the stuff.

FOOD manufacturers will be forced to replace salt with food that tastes of things, it emerged last night.

THE World Health Organisation has confirmed that a pork flu pandemic is now imminent, raising fears that millions of people obviously have no idea what a pandemic is.

AS the number of confirmed pork flu cases in the UK soared into single figures, millions of people across Britain were last night wondering who would be the first arsehole to start wearing a facemask.