Health

JAGUARS are not the only cars with fully opening windows, doctors have been told.

SCOTLAND could prevent up to 40,000 deaths a year if it had another Waitrose, experts have claimed.

DOCTORS are hoping to reduce the number of patients with back complaints by forcing them to listen to hippies.

BRITAIN was today coming to terms with the possibility that Jamie Oliver is the only person currently making any sense.

LOOKING down your nose at normal people can add 10 years to your life, say researchers.

FEMALE hormone tests can now accurately predict the rate at which a man's life will fall to bits.

CHILDHOOD eating disorders may be caused by giving them plate after plate of food that is just shit, experts have claimed.

RECREATIONAL mule tranquiliser ketamine affects the mind in a similar way to programmes about Peter Andre, experts have claimed.

BRITAIN'S hospitals have been replaced by massive holes in the ground, it has emerged.

YOU never know what's going to happen so you might as well eat a load of crisps, doctors said last night.