Health

DOCTORS should be taxed every time they open their fat, smug, overpaid mouths, it was claimed last night.

INJECTING the foul stench of rotten eggs directly into your flaccid penis will soon replace Viagra as the world's leading treatment for erectile dysfunction, scientists claimed last night.

THE National Health Service is to start using staples for everything, doctors confirmed last night.

EXPERTS last night removed eggs from the list of proscribed foodstuffs, but added a series of new mouth-based dangers including deep-fried bees, iron filings and industrial-grade liquid cobalt.

THE men of Jamaica last night offered to show the world their incredibly healthy balls.

MEN who spent their 20s and 30s in an endless cavalcade of frenzied masturbation will die because of it, according to a new study.  

RECOMMENDED daily limits on alcohol are really not doing it for us, drinkers have confirmed.

THE doner kebab is a nutritious snack filled with zinc and proteins from the compacted shavings of at least 14 different varieties of testicle, doctors said last night.

WOMEN'S brains are hard-wired for cake, new research shows.

STRICT standards must be applied to alternative medicine, according to the voodoo priest who will run the UK's complementary therapy watchdog.