Health

GP waiting times are to be scrapped so doctors can prioritise based on a patient's potential to disrupt their wine shopping.

SPENDING the night in an NHS hospital is better than living on the street, according to Britain's most demented vagrant.

BRITAIN has vowed to beat any alcohol price hike by distilling its own booze from junk food leftovers.

FERAL packs of surplus nurses are to be culled by NHS managers.

GOVERNMENT health officials say the receipt for 30 million useless swine flu vaccines is definitely around somewhere.

MALE sex addicts are being cured of their impulsive desire for women by watching the smash hit musical Mamma Mia!

THE tedious but powerfully addictive BBC cooking series Masterchef is to be upgraded to a class B controlled substance, it emerged last night.

OVERWEIGHT children are three times more likely to be jolly than their slender counterparts, according to new research.

MEMBERS of Parliament who criticised homeopathy have badly knotted chakras and are emitting an unhealthy purple aura, it was claimed last night.

NHS officials have defended their decision to employ thousands of bats at a Scottish hospital.