Health

BLOWJOBS are the answer to all problems according to a new scientific study which every man in the Western world has circled in red in the Metro and presented eagerly to his partner.

MARKETING consultants are to sell NHS neglect to foreign countries.

AS the doctors' strike begins, thousands of sick people have descended on their GP's natural habitat, the golf course.

SPERM actively enjoy alcohol and cigarettes, it has emerged.

DOCTORS have warned that millions of sober people are unprepared for the full horror of modern Britain.

BRITONS have been reminded that having a strong desire for spicy meat is not a reason to dial 999.

THE government is appealing to children's sense of nostalgia by promoting potato croquette-based school dinners as having a 'retro vibe'.

THE amount of drivel on smoothie bottles could affect consumers' mental health, it has been claimed.

DOCTORS who refuse to work weekends will have them ruined by tedious family occasions, under new NHS plans.

SCIENTISTS have confirmed that the only long term risk associated with mobile phones is gittishness.