FATNESS is contagious and can be caught from contaminated cakes, buns and sausages, according to new research.
CHILDLINE, the charity for abused children, will tell distraught Harry Potter fans, upset at the ending of the final book, to 'fuck right off'.
FROM next April all potential users of cannabis will have to sit a government-approved grooviness test.
VITAMIN C has been relegated from the premier league of nutritional compounds after another scathing attack on its performance.
THE collective wealth of Britain's doctors is now so vast that they have clubbed together to buy Croatia.
FOREIGN bomb doctors have brought "disgrace" on their profession by breaching rules on out of hours work, according to the British Medical Association.
THE Health and Safety Executive has vetoed the classic 'Go to Work on an Egg' commercial amid fears commuters could injure themselves while trying to sit on their breakfast.
DOCTORS have better things to do than treat ill people, according to a new report from the British Medical Association.
THE legal age for masturbation is to be raised to 18 as part of a series of measures aimed at tackling binge-wanking among teenage boys.